I’m in a genuinely goofy mood today, you guys. I’m in the sort of mood where I refer to you guys as “you guys”, BRAZENLY IGNORING the fact that some of you might, in fact, be girls.
I apologize for this. I really do, you guys.
Today I realized that there is a great deal of fun to be had with Etsy. A long time ago, there was this guy, Rob Cockerham. Okay, well, there’s still this guy, Rob Cockerham. He had a website called cockeyed.com. OKAY, he STILL has a website called cockeyed.com. He used to have great fun with Ebay, listing ridiculous things with amusing descriptions and pictures. I found the idea hilarious, and started trying to put up listings for abstract concepts on Ebay. One of my listings, “Blame for my history test grade”, got up to $35 before Ebay took it down for being a “joke listing”. (It wasn’t. I was totally serious, the listing was for a letter of written blame depending on the outcome of my grade, in addition for a copy of the test.)
Anyway, as you guys well know because you pay ravenous attention to my every move (I know you do, I caught you catching me picking my nose just a minute ago, ADMIT IT, it will be less awkward for the both of us), you are well aware that I have opened a store on Etsy. I’ve read in several places that a Key To Etsy Success™ is to post items every day, every few hours if possible, because searchable items are shown with the most recently listed first. So the more you spread out the listing of your items, the more visible your shop is, versus listing them all at once and then not posting anything new, like I did with my first Etsy shop which ended in utter failure and I abandoned along with my hopes and dreams and collection of New Kids on the Block albums.
The point is, I’m listing at least one hoop a day, in order to be all Serious about this. I’ve been naming them clever and witty things, mostly using the colors of the hoop and applying some food-based name to it, because I love food, then coming up with some sort of catchy description for it, hopefully evoking images of awesome in the viewer’s mind so that they just can’t stand how cool the hoop is and feel moved to purchase it.
I listed an orange, purple and silver hoop today. I stared at the picture, trying to think what the hell sort of food was orange, purple and silver. I didn’t want to go the obvious route of naming it “ORANGE AND GRAPE PIZAZZ!” or something like that. So I asked Green, “What would you name this hoop?”
He responded, “Heart failure.”
I looked at the hoop. It still looked orangey-purplish-silveresque to me. “Why?” I asked.
“Because looking at it kind of makes me wish I were having a heart failure.”
I paused. I considered his reasoning. It proved entirely pointless and incomprehensible. “I’m putting that on my Etsy store,” I said. And I did.
I present to you, the Heart Failure Hoop.
Now I feel the compulsion to list all of my hoops in a completely ridiculous manner, such as the “This Hoop Will Solve All Of Your Problems! Hoop” and the “Become More Attractive To The Opposite Sex INSTANTLY Hoop” and the “Hoof Of A Magical Unicorn Hoop”.
We’ll see if I still feel this way in the morning.
In the meantime, here’s a special order hoop I made yesterday:
It’s the “You’ll Never Look At Platypi The Same Way Hoop”.
PS: I paid my rent this month ENTIRELY from hooping money, WHAT’S UP.